On TDoV: Variation, Not Deviation
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Let me start with this: gender is fake, biological sex is more complicated than we have been taught, and it costs you literally nothing to support other humans being free and happy. Thassit.
The term nonbinary may be relatively new in the mass mind but the identity is as old, at least, as Hatshepsut and other historical figures who couldn’t possibly be classified by a binary understanding of gender. We always been here.
Cis people literally beat up, legislate against, and straight up kill trans/gnc/nb people every day for going against their expectations about gender and sexuality, but it’s non-binary & trans people that are weird about gender??
Fetch the abacus, Archimedes, something is not adding up🤔🧮
Gender is not necessarily about biology (though it can be, for some, if they choose), even though that’s more complicated then a lot of people like to pretend it is too. What it’s about is presentation, socio-cultural roles and positioning, and the varied ways of expressing masculine and feminine impulses.
Anyone who’s known me for a long time, if they think about it for longer than a second, knows that I clearly have not for one day of my life been a standard cis dude, even if I lacked the words - or inclination or, sometimes, courage - to explain that. And of course one spends a lot of time trying to mask and fit in for safety, but that also must have been apparent.
Why are you wearing makeup? Why are you wearing a dress? Why aren’t you more “manly?” Why do you have long hair? Why are you a dancer? My whole life the questions have been endless - now I can just say, “I’m nonbinary.” The time saved since could be counted in months tbh.
I’m grateful for how things are shifting and SO happy for younger people to have a full-throated discussion open that was barely a whisper not long ago. Because of this we can ALL begin to explore the nuance and particulars of what gender identity means rather then just having to explain ourselves anew every 10 minutes.
Is there a political aspect to it? Certainly. The personal is inherently political, and I acknowledge that my willingness to eschew and even repudiate the patriarchal concept of masculinity is as much of a political statement as those who try to pretend gender expressions outside of the binary are invalid and made up.
It’s all made up, hon - some of us just have the courage to live authentically.
But what it’s NOT is “just a choice” - though it would be just as valid if it was! It’s not what percentage of boy and girl you are. One could say it’s more a response of “no thank you” to the baseline question of whether one is a man or a woman.
Some folks who are quick to say that nonbinary isn’t a real thing have been calling people sissies (basically, boy but femme) and tomboys (girl, but masc) their whole lives yet get angry when we name and claim a gender identity that suits us. They only acknowledge these varieties as a pejorative. But when they say someone is too manly/womanly for their assigned gender or insufficiently so, they’ve actively acknowledged that something about them is different than whatever the “standard” is. Paradoxically, the derision itself is an admission that gender variation exists.
Anyway, you know good and damn well that gender roles are different throughout time and through different cultures. You know good and well that if you see a “man” from some African and Middle Eastern countries in something that looks like a dress you will have a completely different reaction then if it’s an American “man” in something that looks like a dress. You understand perfectly; you’re just low-key pushing an agenda. And sometimes you don’t realize you’re doing it.
Just let people be who they are and wish to be - do we want to open the can of worms about how not a single cis person ticks all the boxes for what being cis would technically mean if it wasn’t just an identity as well?
“Men aren’t supposed to walk/dance/dress like that” - okay, but you just acknowledged that one does. So the logical choices are either to a) expand your definition of what “man” means or b) accept that that person defines themselves as something else.
Unfortunately there is also a third, less logical and much more frightening, prospect that some of you are subtly or overtly insinuating: that those people who do not fit the mold alter themselves until they meet the standard. Or if they cannot toe the line, that they cease to exist.
But let’s step away from that option because you don’t really think that? Do you?
On the subject, “Trans people do/should not exist” is not an opinion. It’s a threat by definition. There’s no nuance to be debated on the base right of another human to exist as they choose. Full stop.
Instead, let’s look at what percentage of human beings actually fit all of the criteria required to cram them into one of these two molds you deem acceptable. If you really think about it, you maybe know a handful of people who tick all of the boxes completely. More likely you don’t know a single one, though.
So then, does everyone need fixing? Or is it just the ones that deviate too far? And if it’s that, who determines what’s too far? Would YOU fit all the criteria if somebody was grading you with the most stringent protocols, and you couldn’t hide the things you mash down to fit in? It’s unlikely.
In the final analysis, it makes more sense to accept that people are just different and that’s how it should be. And the most basic respect we can give anyone is to let them define themselves in this world. It’s just that easy.
Even if you do identify as cis, normalize the concept of saying “none of your damn business” to questions that are actually quite personal about your identity. Normalize exploring your gender and sexuality until you are certain of what it is, rather than just assuming and then contorting yourself to fit societally constructed factory settings.
I guarantee you have better things to do with the one life you get than making sure you fit some colonial notion of what you’re supposed to be like just because of what’s in your undercarriage. Free will, darlings.
The ask is simple, and twofold:
1) Let people name themselves. Let people tell you who they are.
2) Think of all things in terms of variation, not deviation.
The blooms of your own flower will flourish better under these conditions, too. The feminine, masculine, and divine dance within us. Each sits inextricable in our individual incarnation of infinite ineffable - or infernal - amalgams.